Teaching Your Toddler to Listen to You
6 March 2011 by Nanny Lili
Filed under Aggression & Defiance, Discipline, Readers' Enquiries
Reader Michelle is dealing with a very frustrating situation: a toddler who won’t pay attention to her warnings and instructions. She sends the following letter:
I came across your blog a few weeks ago and passed it on to my friends. I absolutely love your blog. Very insightful and down to earth.
I have a question though. My son is now almost 2 and it seems he has no ears. He will do something and I’ll ask him nicely to stop: “Don’t do that please, Mommy doesn’t want you to get hurt” or similar. He will look me in the eyes and continue doing what he is doing. It’s driving me mad and time out does not work with him.
I’m at wit’s end and have no idea how to get him to stop and listen to me. What am I doing wrong?
Please help.
Hi Michelle,
Thank you very much for your lovely letter.
I know that this behaviour is frustrating, but when children start approaching the age of 2 they are becoming little people, and in an attempt to be more independent they feel the need to test their boundaries. It’s certainly not caused by your doing anything “wrong”; sometimes it just takes a while to arrive at the approach that works best with a particular child.
I recommend that you remain calm and composed when one of these exasperating episodes arises, but try changing your tone of voice so you are firm and you are clearly conveying your authority to your son. If he responds to you when you ask him not to do something, give him great praise.
If even when using the firm voice he is reluctant to listen to you, tell him “I am going to count to 3″, give him the chance to respond; if on ”3″ he backs down, just give a very simple “good boy”. If he is defiant and refuses to obey, take his hand and in a firm voice explain that what he is doing is dangerous or is something that you just don’t want him to do. This might lead to a little tantrum; if so, just ignore it for a couple of minutes and carry on. Then go back and distract him with something else. He is not sad or hurt, just frustrated.
Good luck! Once you’ve had a chance to see whether this approach produces some results for you, please feel free to let me and my other readers know how you’re getting on by leaving a comment.
Michelle, I sympathise with you. I am finding it extremely difficult with my 2.5 yr old right now she is being very spiteful both with me and children at nursery. I don’t know what to do with her. When she doesn’t get her own way she lashes out by hitting shouting and refuses to apologise. I have put a naughty chair in place but have to hold her on it! And she is extremely stubborn and just won’t give in. Since starting nursery 3 wks ago she has been seen smacking 2 different children through frustration about not being to have a particular toy / item and when asked by the teacher to apologise for her actions she refuses point blank. I feel so embarrassed to the point of a bad mother but I have stopped her park visits on these particular days and explained why we didn’t go but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I need help/guidance too so sympathise with you. Good Luck. Cathy
I **totally** understand that kids of this age test parents to the fullest.
From our own experience and from watching others, the counting method suggested here usually backfires. If the child can obey just before the count of “three”, why can’t they obey the first time? All counting teaches is how to push the boundaries right to the limit – which is what the child is already doing. It usually ends up with the frustrated parent counting “two and a half….. two and three quarters…. two and seven eights!!!”? This just makes the situation more frustrating because the child is still calling the shots.
The real issue here is us, the parents. Even time one of our kids slips into this behaviour, I know that my words and actions are at odds with one another. In other words, what I’m saying and what I’m doing don’t match. Kids pick up on this faster than anyone and will play on it to the fullest.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Avoid threatening, avoid repeating.
Make your expectations clear BEFORE a situation arises and stick to your guns *straight away* when it does…. and that’s the hard part!!! When we’re tired or busy and some one runs through the house when we’ve reminded them not to…. it’s SO hard to follow through. But follow through we must.
Parents should not be a set of moving goal posts for their kids. When you say something, be true to your word…. for the fun stuff and the not so fun stuff. If you say you’re going to take them for ice cream… DO IT.
Kids need boundaries and stability and that’s up to us.
Parenting isn’t for wimps. What I’ve suggested is hard, it’s not an instant fix but it’s do-able. Go for it!
Thanks for writing, and congratulations on expecting your next child!
Regarding the counting, although different children and parents may experience different results, I’ve generally had good success with it for many small children, like Michelle’s, who have learnt to tune out or ignore first instructions. I tend to find that it can give them a short moment in which to change their train of thought and comply. In addition, many parents and carers report that the short count helps them maintain their own calm and composure in a frustrating moment.
Of course, as you note, it’s only as good as the credibility and resolve of the grown-up – we’re in agreement that, as I’ve written elsewhere, it’s fundamentally important to match actions to words. A parent or carer who finds him/herself falling into the “two-and-a-half, two-and-three-quarters” trap is making a rod for their own back, since a child will sense a grown-up’s hesitation to follow through.
Wow, I’m in the same situation with my 18 month old daughter. She will sometimes, if not most times, completely ignore me. In turn, my voice gets louder and I end up yelling, which does not get me where I need to go. Sometimes, even if I grab hold of her and speak firmly to her, she’ll just pull away from me and continue doing whatever it is I asked her not to. She spends a lot of time in time-out, therefore I’m not sure it’s helping. I will try the 1-2-3 approach and see if it helps.
Thank you Michelle for your question, and thank you Nanny Lili for your answer.
Hmm interesting I’ll be sure to try this out next time my daughter acts up. Thanks Nanny Godmother keep up the good work!